Joke Thread

[darkpepsi]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma".

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[BoNeHeD]

so that's what happened to milf...

[MzCiv]

Bah - Milf not 16 - she KNOWS how to "not choke"

[BoNeHeD]

Start with a cage containing five monkeys.
Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string
and place a set of stairs under it.

Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and
start to climb towards the banana. As soon as
he touches the stairs, spray all of the other
monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt
with the same result; All the other monkeys are
sprayed with cold water.

Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb
the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey
from the cage and replace it with a new one.

The new monkey sees the banana and wants to
climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all
of the other monkeys attack him. After another
attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries
to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys
and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes
to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer
takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with
a new one, then a fourth, and then the fifth.
Every time the newest monkey takes to the
stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have
no idea why they were not permitted to climb
the stairs or why they are participating in the
beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the
remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with
cold water.Nevertheless, no monkey ever again
approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not?

Because as far as they know that's the way it's
always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.

[BoNeHeD]

Subject: in her fifties
> > >
> > > A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her
> > >bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and
> > >asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the
> > matter
> > >with you?"
> > >
> > >The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what
> > >you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says
> > >that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
> > >
> > > The husband replies, "What did he say about your 50-year old ass?"
> > >
> > >"Your name never came up," she replied

[BoNeHeD]

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a
light bulb?

The answer is 10:

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to
be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they either favor changing the
light bulb or support darkness;

5. One to give a billion-dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new
light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing
on a step-ladder under the banner "Light bulb Change Accomplished";

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting
in detail how Bush was literally "in the dark";

8. One to viciously smear #7;

9. One surrogate to campaig n on TV and at rallies on how George Bush
has had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And, finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between
screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

[BoNeHeD]

>During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,

>asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a

>date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that

>you have to go to the bathroom?"

>

>Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

>

>The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What

>about you Peter, how would you say it?"

>

>Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll

>be right back."

>

>That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at

>the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for

>once and show us your good manners?"

>

>"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to

>shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to

>meet after dinner."

>

>The teacher fainted!

[BoNeHeD]

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the
ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality,
they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the
one who is brave enough to climb all the way top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to
women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

Share this with all the good apples and fine wines you know.

[BoNeHeD]

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU?

IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?

IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,

WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?




SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?



HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!





YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG F&*#ING HOUSE!

[BoNeHeD]

Subject: "I think you're the father of one of my kids."


>>A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at
>>him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where
>>he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies,
>>"I think you're the father of one of my kids."Now his mind travels back to
>>the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are
>>you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all
>>my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and
>>then stuck a carrot up my butt???"
>>She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math
>>teacher."

[BoNeHeD]

A man was married for 25 years. One day he looked at his wife day
and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap
car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old babe."
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you
are not holding up your side of things."
His wife was a very reasonable woman. She told him to go out and
find a hot 25-year-old babe, and she would make sure that he would
once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises

[Ghost]

Up by Lake Itzokold, it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when Lena got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She remembered a friend's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made Lena feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of the advice she'd received to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted...but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Kmart next.

[darkpepsi]

For all you married men out there.... ;D ;D ;D

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!

[bantams]

A Woman takes her 16 year old daughter to see the Doctor. The Doctor says,"OK Mrs Jones whats the problem?

The Mother says,"Its my Daughter,Rachel.She keeps getting these Cravings,Shes been sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Rachel a thorough examination,then turns to the mother and says,"Well,don't know how to tell you this Mrs Jones,but Rachel is Pregnant about four months would be my guess."

The mother says,"Pregnant! She cant be. She's never even been left alone with a man. Have you Rachel?"

Rachel says,"No! I've never even kissed a man let alone anything else."

The doctor walks over to the windowand just stares out of it.About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there Doctor?."

The Doctor replies,"No,not really.Its just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the Hill. I'll be damned if i'm going to miss it this time!"



Happy Christmas Folks

Bantams

[Avogadro]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process

all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed

in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should

open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

"Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday

someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had

until my next pension check.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for

dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no

family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna"



The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other

workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an

envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a

warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with

her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came

from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the

letter was opened. It read,

"Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your

gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a

very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards

at the Post Office."