Joke Thread

[DANGEROUS]

[heroray]

LMAO, That is REALLY HIM

[BoNeHeD]

thank god he has pasties on icky man boobs...

[BoNeHeD]

It is all in the advertising!!!

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers...

They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.

While Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend on other things.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do so how come you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos reads his sign, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support," he says.

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos then asks, "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign which reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico .”

[BoNeHeD]

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis a new immigrant to the United States. He
stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you
Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food
stamps, free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You
are mistaken, I am Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another
passerby." Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in
America!" The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new
arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his
hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up
his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!" He finally
sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from
Africa !" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The African
lady checks her watch and says ... "Probably at work."

[Avogadro]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 Years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, He finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.


While tying the homeowners wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets Up and goes into the bathroom.


While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this
guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of
time in jail and hasn't seen a woman In years. I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.....do whatever he tells
you. Satisfy him, no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously
very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, Honey. I
love you!"


His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering In my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong. I love you, too!"

[hochiminh]

HAHA

[darkpepsi]

LOL The funniest Joke of the year goes tooo.....(drum roll)...... Avro!!!

[BoNeHeD]

if you like homo humour...

[BoNeHeD]

AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!!?"
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock ( MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am. While his coffeepot ( MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA ). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet ( MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio ( MADE ININDIA ) he got in his car ( MADE INGERMANY ) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN J OB At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decide to relax for a while. He put on his sandals ( MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine ( MADE IN FRANCE.!) and turned on his TV ( MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in .. America .....

[BoNeHeD]

From The Mouths of Children


1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
"Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
note from his mother The note read,
"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle
the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."


4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks with ladies grabbing towels
and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
"What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"


5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school,
I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me,
"Would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.
As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a
little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth
soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad
donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "


9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured
a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole, and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the
appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of
what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes!"
(I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,
something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.
(What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.)
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
"I think it's Adam's underwear!"

[BoNeHeD]

Circumcised

(This is priceless!)



A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his thingy hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon , she'd come and pick me up from school."

KIDS ; DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM?

[Emilioooo]

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' . I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak!!!!!

[hochiminh]

avogadro said:

Really took me like 4 minutes....I didn't get the joke!!! haha

[hochiminh]

Jay Leno: "Actually, we're learning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He's on this big biography tour so you can learn about him. I guess his wife, Cindy, is worth over $100 million" because "the family made money selling Budweiser beer. Budweiser beer distributor, $100 million. So, he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer," and "unlimited money. I think I speak for all guys when I go -- why is he running for president?"