Joke Thread

[whiplash]

Statements Actually Made in the Courtroom:


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Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.




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Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.


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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?


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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.


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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.


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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.


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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?


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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?


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Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?


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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


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Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?


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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


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Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.


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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[Retnuh]

some of those pretty good

[rodrigom]

lol ;D

[Avogadro]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately

spotted a large, beautiful parrot..



There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,

"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house
of Prostitution

and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided

she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up

in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,


"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,

but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school

the bird saw and said,



"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended

but then began to laugh about the situation

considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith

came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,



"Hi, Keith!"

[MMV]

Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a drive-

in movie ? They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

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Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that

1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.

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A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide, I wanted to kill myself" the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."



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A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hail storm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe.

Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde , came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

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A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.

It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it !"

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that,' he asked?

"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, What do you have in it?"

The blonde replied,,,,,"Two Popsicles , and some coffee."

[MMV]

Applying for a government job







A guy goes to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew
my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come
in at 10:00 A.M".

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M.to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00A.M?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our ba11z...no point in you coming
in for that."

[BDubb]

Heres one 4 yall

a drunk sitting on a corner sees a guy at a bustop picking up women and taking them to his apartment

the drunk asks the guy how he gets these women to go to his apartment...
Well he says "I whisper to them tickle your ass w/a
feather"...and if they're offended i say "Particularly nice Weather"

so the drunk walks off and thinks well i hafta try that sometime

the next day the drunk walks up to a women at the stop and says "tickle your ass w/a feather"

the women turns around and is outraged ...

And the drunk says "LOOKS LIKE RAIN"

[whiplash]

I saw a group of 20 blondes standing outside of a nightclub. I asked one of them why they were just standing there and not going inside. She pointed to the sign. It said: "You must be 21 to enter".

[Stormbringer]

How do you know when a blonde is about to say something intelligent?

She start's the comment with,"Well,my ol' man says..."

[zerza]

Three men were walking down the street. Two of the men walk into a bar.

The third man ducks.

[whiplash]

Click here to see Paris Hilton screwing:

[ftp]http://www.geocities.com/whiplash532/parisscrewing.jpg[/ftp]

[Ghost]

way to get my hopes up whip

[Ghost]

John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. The drugstore owner had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup.

Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering the owner's warning John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and instructed him to take the entire box all at once. The customer immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. The drugstore owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once." John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough," the owner shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

"Look at him. He's afraid to cough." ;D ;D ;D





An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother

[Swefinn]

The SF

[Ghost]

Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says:
"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds:
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says:
"No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the [rear end] are interchangeable