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Post by darkpepsi on Jan 8, 2007 0:30:10 GMT -5
A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her
a gift.
So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbie's are.
The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95
Volleyball Barbie: $19.95
Shopping Barbie: $19.95
Surfer Barbie: $19.95
Disco Barbie: $19.95
and Divorced Barbie: $299.95
Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the other Barbie's are $19.95?"
Exasperated, the girl responds:
"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with":
Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewelry
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend.
You go girl!
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Post by lildevil on Jan 17, 2007 17:30:01 GMT -5
heheheh
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Post by zodiac on Jan 17, 2007 18:27:32 GMT -5
lol
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Post by zodiac on Jan 19, 2007 16:19:29 GMT -5
One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."
A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"
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Post by MzCiv on Jan 19, 2007 16:33:17 GMT -5
What men would do if they had a girl thingy for a day 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too. and #1. was well - Mars posted this joke in lobby and forget to give the #1 answer - JUST like a man to get ya all worked up and not finish the job  . |
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Post by MzCiv on Jan 19, 2007 16:34:20 GMT -5
He finally posted #1. (way too late again)
#1. find that damn G-spot.
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Post by MzCiv on Jan 19, 2007 16:39:21 GMT -5
HEre's another mars one:
2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming,
"A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY thingy!!".
The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says.
"It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".
The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR ,the other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"
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Post by Zardoz on Jan 20, 2007 22:25:03 GMT -5
Words Women Use
Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five Minutes
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an
even trade.
Nothing
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" means that
she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay
content.
That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrows"
Go Ahead
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Thanks
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
Thanks a Lot
This is much different from Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
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Post by zodiac on Jan 20, 2007 22:28:51 GMT -5
lol
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Post by Zardoz on Jan 21, 2007 17:35:16 GMT -5
Statements Actually Made in the Courtroom: ================================== Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- <snip> -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. That last was my favorite. :-) =========================== Q: How did the accident occur? A: The pedestrian didn't know which way to go, so I hit him. |
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Post by BoNeHeD on Jan 24, 2007 4:09:42 GMT -5
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase wome n they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the oth er?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe".
How do! you get a sweet little 80-year- old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides..
THE END --
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Post by Ghost on Jan 27, 2007 20:22:15 GMT -5
A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man Drunks Crossingwalks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar.
The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.
"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong windthingytail dot Com for Mixologists currents which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.
"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."."
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Post by rodrigom on Jan 31, 2007 8:54:42 GMT -5
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Post by Stormbringer on Jan 31, 2007 9:19:30 GMT -5
LMAO,Rodrigo
#2 is the winner(How is that boat even MOVING!)
#1 loses points (cuz he gave her a mattress)
#3 is helping(He's carrying 1 bottle)
Storm
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SF
"Allways look on the light side of life. For life is quite ab-surd and death's the fi-nal word, you mus al-ways face the cur-tain with abow." 
