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Post by thequeen on Jan 31, 2007 15:27:38 GMT -5
worst man of the year -.- lol
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Post by darkpepsi on Feb 5, 2007 14:33:22 GMT -5
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked,
in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that
anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained
because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos; as she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it
flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest
and bent over to pick it up.
Then all the other bells started to ring....
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Post by Avogadro on May 4, 2007 7:39:24 GMT -5
Harry, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Harry and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Harry says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Harry placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Harry, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Harry replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Harry took the money
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Post by whiplash on May 4, 2007 8:34:57 GMT -5
As I approached the front door of a nightclub last night I noticed 20 blonds standing outside the doorway. One of the blondes said to me that she was glad to see me and that they could all now enter the club. I asked her why they just didn't all go in earlier. She pointed to the sign: "You must be 21 to enter".
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Post by thequeen on May 4, 2007 15:23:32 GMT -5
That one was said earlier  |
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Post by Emilioooo on May 4, 2007 16:02:06 GMT -5
Robert M. Gates briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that
Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, then he
collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost
whimpering.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Robert Gates, "Just exactly how many
is a brazillion?"
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Post by Avogadro on May 4, 2007 16:51:09 GMT -5
LMAO
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Post by darkpepsi on May 5, 2007 2:18:52 GMT -5
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment,
then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."
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Post by Ghost on May 12, 2007 22:17:54 GMT -5
For mothers day tomorrow.
Things My Mother Taught Me...
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
7. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."
10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And last but not least...
12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"
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XXXTheGoddessXXX
Longbow
20%
Never argue with an idiot. First he will drag you down to his level then beat you with experience.
Posts: 448
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Post by XXXTheGoddessXXX on May 17, 2007 19:44:38 GMT -5
Not really a joke, but funny.
Performance Evaluations
Especially for people who have to write performance evaluations. These are supposedly actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock- bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
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Post by BoNeHeD on Jun 2, 2007 1:38:44 GMT -5
Subject: Technology Announcement
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a
computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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Post by Avogadro on Jun 3, 2007 6:43:07 GMT -5
lmao
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Post by Avogadro on Jun 9, 2007 8:51:51 GMT -5
WARNING - LOCK YOUR DOORS!!!!
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!
A man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his butt.
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v
Police suspect a cereal killer.
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Post by Emilioooo on Jun 9, 2007 10:14:41 GMT -5
Paris Hilton.....
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Post by tecumseh on Jun 9, 2007 17:00:52 GMT -5
The employee called one morning in office and wanted to excuse himself to manager why he cant come to job this day : "sry boss i am sick today" His chief asked him how sick he is and he replied :
" I am fuking my sister,now u tell me how sick I am?"
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