Joke Thread

[tecumseh]

How u make a blonde laughing on Saturday?
- u told her a joke on Tuesday

[tecumseh]

What is a blonde with 2 braincells?
- a pregnant blonde

What is a blonde with half braincell?
-an advanced blonde

[tecumseh]

Why blonde dont eat banana?
LOL, cant find zip

[BoNeHeD]

WORLD WAR III IS COMING

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?

Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims".


:::see you in a few days Bonehed, you know better then to post nudity in forum. Especially several days after original post.:::

Avo

[BoNeHeD]

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case,a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them,and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.


The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.



The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs". Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's running for President.

[Avogadro]

www.animaenia.com/?vID=1181742655

[BoNeHeD]

Diet Foods
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it"?

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

[BoNeHeD]

Subject: Greek vs. Italian




A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.
>
>Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
>
>Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
>
>The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ."
>
>And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
>
>With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
>
>The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

[Emilioooo]

DISTURBING BEER NEWS

Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis
that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a
concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To
test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn't drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong

No further testing was considered necessary.

[Avogadro]

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE...



What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....

Why is there no Disneyland in Japan?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[Artist Formally Known as Mofo]

freakin hilarious ;D

[darkpepsi]

Brad wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. Brad is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did anything wrong. Brad had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,a single red rose!

Brad sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:

"Honey, Breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
Love,
Lauren


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Brad asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."


Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"


Broken Coffee Table $89.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time..............

PRICELESS

[BoNeHeD]

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like . Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ... Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .. Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like . Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .. .Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ... .Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ....... Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[rodrigom]

Dude what's wrong with you?

When you're a man, you not suppose to make jokes like "men are lava lamps" or "men are like parking spots"

Homo.

[augmentation]

avogadro said:

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE...



What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....

Why is there no Disneyland in Japan?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

That's been copyrighted

I think Fozzy Bear wants to meet you in the parking lot